reveries

3/14/26

The shackles of Now--the present, future and past all contained by NOW!

I've long feared the masks that cryptomnesia wears, but over the past few months I've come to sort of embrace it. It's hard to know where memories end and begin--they warp and dissolve, ripple and put on fancy hats. But if we are overly wary of such things, our creativity suffers. After all, unless you are very consciously copying something else, it's highly unlikely whatever you make will turn out exactly the same; everything gets filtered through one's own brain, perspectives, experience, etc. The brainsoup is filled with many different ingredients.

Why don't I ever have dreams about being online or (rarely) at home? I'm always off doing something in someplace I've never seen the likes of. It's just a little bewildering. Last night I was in a teletubby-esque land with Patrick Mcgoohan. Jung would have a great time figuring that one.

3/11/26

Upheaval & Downheaval and their evil pet weasel named Weevil.

Is it really the final straw that breaks the camel's back? I find that hard to believe. That's just one straw among the plenty. Why put so much blame on that one in particular? What about the second straw?

Sometimes I find myself thinking about my health as a kind of currency I can spend. In this sense I've not a penny to keep my pockets company. Entirely broke.

2/16/26

A redacted page of one of my diaries from when I was a teenager:
The reason for my redaction, back when I did it, was that the things that were written were so incongruent with who I was by the time I reread it, that I felt I had to demolish the remains of my former self's words. I still get like this when I read old journals but I'm more hesitant now about erasing/redacting. It's amazing how much I have changed as a person while still being "me". When does someone stop being themself?
I guess I feel that I've not become someone else but rather slowly uncovered what is genuinely & precisely myself without the clouds of other effluvium and muddlement.

2/4/26

I need one thrillweek.
I need a big stony wall.
I need to smoke nothing.
Innocent evil! Let us spend this night on easy waters, sailing serenely. Oh, mein Fisch--! I am soaked with seawater and ink of sidereal soliloquy, dark ooze of damned stars! The supernal cephalopod has lost his marbles! Damn, why does everyone but me get to be free of marbles?
Life-and-machine! Deliver me from Marbles!

10/16/25

The song of the flea:
I wish I were a mouse or a fly
I wish I were a gal or a guy
I wish I wasn't so darn small
I wish I weren't a flea at all

10/5/25

Aerobic air believer, oh artist
New Yolk and The Big Apple
Occult hermit collector
Neuroscience but no tist
Swefnlike or Swefn-literal or Swefnself
The Fabric of Reality is Tea
Marble-free
A Series of Fortunate Nonevents
Unusual, Bizzare, Abnormal, Unwanted, Repellent, Tacky, Isolating, Eclectic, Esoteric, Outdated, Disgusting, Unpopular
Beloved-And-Tiny-Unblemished-Cherub
Mary Magdelene's spectacles
Alchemical music
Apartment detritus
Every-which-way the nowhere goer
Cakes and cookies and suchlike

7/30/25

Ridiculous & meticulous, this living as an Eye, having paced back and forth in the deep hours of night and seeing scattered shooting stars. All around us are physical forms and they frighten me as in the daunting colors of fever dreams. Things haunt me & they have for as long as I've been aware of them. I remember having that horrified realization when I was very young that everything might be a dream; I was in the back of my mother's car riding home from my Grandma's house, which was surrounded by vast wheat fields that seemed to exhale as we drove past them, and I said to mom: Is everything in life a dream? ... and she said No, no.. this is all real.

those meteors I saw felt more profound than others that I've witnessed--like silent, distant friends beaming "Hello!".. the traditional symbolism of these guys are of good luck & change, how nice :)

forests and cities are much the same thing. Life-dense, breathing, at times parlous to the lone traveler, often awe-inspiring, a reminder of the symbiosis & interconnectivity of all things.

Is it really so easy to confuse love with soup?.. I miss mud and earthworms.

7/27/25

XXI. The Hanged Man. "rider, gather your ghost-tears."
Have you ever heard the tale of King Herla and the Fairy King? It's one of my favorite stories of English folklore--a mysterious small king appears in King Herla's court and announces that he shall attend his wedding if Herla attends his own a year later. Here's the whole story if you're interested, it's pretty short: Herla and The Fairy King
King Herla rides home ceaselessly, in perpetual darkness, a stranger to the world.

Returning from the highs and lows of each new experience & perspective, my perception of the world strays behind me and all that is left are memory-phantoms moving forward silently, barely remembering what their journey's purpose was. sometimes all you can do is let go of the hounds & let them roam for you. Otherwise you might end up like Herla.

I dreamed that I was hanging out with Jimmy Fallon and I kept calling him "Jimmy Hitler". He seemed totally cool with it.

alteration as a form of perfectionism banishment--see that poem linked on my homepage by Baudelaire--another "Hanged Man" idea in that it forces an alternative perspective & "enlightens".

7/25/25

3 lucid dreams in a row; or I didn't really stop being lucid, but just attempted different things each time. I've been getting pretty good at lucid dreaming. there are techniques to hack the dreams that I've had to learn over time via trial & error. If you want to lucid dream, I immediately recommend the WILD method(s)--it's the only method that consistently works for me, and I usually do it by accident because I wake up so much. once you start lucid dreaming it happens more often by itself. I finally successfully met the entity I've been trying to conjure in these lucid dreams. the dreams feel so real that it's almost like what new agers call "astral projecting". Immaterial playground of the mind! One can do anything there as long as you can convince your subconscious to work with you well enough. That's the tricky part--it can be easy to fall into the depths of the dream and forget the extent of your authority. also entering very specific mindscapes can be difficult at first, but I think I finally mastered it! yay !!

here are some tips if you'd like to try it:
When you realize you are dreaming, immediately anchor yourself to the dreamworld. Notice the sensations of the dream. Look at your hands. Once you've anchored, you'll be deep inside of the dream and it will be easy to stay asleep.
Now you can do whatever you'd like--I recommend just exploring a little inside the dreamscape you've found yourself in if you're a beginner, but if you have somewhere specific you'd like to go, here are some techniques I've found to work:

find a door. On the other side of that door is the place you want to be. it absolutely will be there because nothing here is real, only figments of your subconscious mind (not real in the sense that something is real in the waking world, anyway). so as you open this door, I recommend closing your dream-eyes and visualizing the area you are entering. visualize every detail about it you can. then open your eyes, or you can simply let the visualization materialize on its own. Remember, in a dream there is no difference between closed eyes and open eyes. Everything is your mind.
This technique is similar but doesn't require a door. Close your eyes and do that same visualization of the area you want to be in, but as you do this, try narrating--for example "I'm dreaming that I'm in a city, it is night, I'm standing on a sidewalk...etc."
You can actively build the dreamscape. If you're an advanced dreamer you can teleport yourself to an empty world and begin adding each part of the area.

The trick is to believe in everything; this can be more difficult for some depending on your suggestibility. Our brains are not really hardwired to believe anything at all can happen, and we're not used to having that much control over reality. If you just remember that everything is equally as possible in the dream world and truly convince yourself of that, then there's really no limit.

I realized earlier that because I don't wear my contacts or glasses very often the world to me looks hazy and indefinite, like an impressionist painting. For some reason I sort of prefer that. Sometimes I don't want to see every detail of the world, I'd rather meander through its colors all specter-like and faze into its shapes. My eyesight is not great but most people I know who need glasses need them way more than me; my eye doctor says my eyes will never be as bad as my mother's (we share the same optometrist), so I guess that's the perk of having a father with 20/20 vision.

7/24/25

had a dream that Charlie Chaplin was the person who invented the skateboard. It was believable. but sadly my unconscious mind was wrong; the skateboard was invented by a group of nonspecified/unknown californians in the 50s-60s.

thinking that the name George is becoming less popular these days; are people still naming their kids George? I thought about making an entire entry called "In Defence of George"--but I suppose no one is particularly against the name in the first place, at least to my knowledge. I know there's a prince George of Wales at the moment & he's pretty young, so maybe im making things up. I think it'd be a good name for a pigeon. I feel a sense of comradery with George. maybe he was my best buddy in a past life, or in the future. Apparently it roots from the word "γεωργός" (georgos) which literally means "earthworker", and the name was popularized by Saint George, "Victory-Bearer", who according to legend defeated a dragon:

^ by the way, I've had a little print of that last painting (by Paolo Uccello) on my bulletin board for over a year now and just now realized the connection. Does this saint George have some sort of influence over me? Am I going George-Crazy? (these things often begin with a name or a feeling which then continually develop into an entire enigma or entity in my head.)
there are a lot of different names I could make an "In Defense of" piece on. I really enjoy onomastics and etymology and have got to to delve into it more--which is another reason I love studying old English. (English is like the Frankenstein's monster of languages. or at least one of them.)

In terms of sleeping, its a thing one does and a thing I can or can't do sometimes, and I have (for a while now) given in to insomnia's pulse, at least to the extent that during & after a night of not sleeping I feel nothing about it. Being fatigued and sleep deprived is shitty but there are worse ways to be—and I don't mind losing grip on reality or dying early or whatever, because worrying about those things is the most counterproductive thing in the world. I've never found anything worthwhile come from them. I wouldn't say the mindset is like zen buddhism or stoicism or anything because im certainly not thinking this way out of a sense of virtue or an endeavor toward "inner peace", but if those things develop im not entirely against that either. I get to decide certain things about my reality; the rest is chaos. Hence "sardonic indifference".

there's really a terrific thing about letting oddness, magical thinking and entropy reign free. The other night while laying on my floor in total darkness I finally made the conscious decision to let go of "control"--control as in trying to be perfect, trying to be "normal", and suspiring for total dominion over my body. The thing is I really don't know why I thought I needed those things so badly. I think there's possibly a power-hungry demon within me that I have to feed in certain ways, and im not one to go after having power over others, so the demon went inward and started chewing on my insides. An auto-immune illness of the psyche. wouldn't be the first time.

7/19/25

It's been an interesting week. along with that sense of sardonic indifference I've felt my mind opening to some other mood-chapter where I'm just drifting off into my thoughts... I'm not sure whether it's a good thing, but I also don't really care!
Lately I've been thinking about my friendships, and how people tend to bring out different parts of you--there's something beautiful about that--and how throughout my life I've often been puzzled at myself because of it; I guess I've believed that I have to be the same consistently or else I'm somehow "pretending" to be someone else. But in every friend someone makes there's a piece of themself that they see mirrored back at them.. and so they reflect each other back & forth and form a connection out of that. I suppose everyone feels a little lost in some way. Being able to see yourself in others brings some solace to that lost feeling.. and meanwhile we get to create bonds and exchange our thoughts and ideas as the world goes on and runs its course.

7/11/25

another excerpt from my physical/personal journal, from when I was feeling in one of those ways that has no word or plain explanation in the english language that could suffice:

The vivacity of obsession where it strikes like the shock of a manta ray & spying gods source their radiance. Flying downward, specks of light cast toward the depraved, the hungry and the wise. And the well-dwellers, the welldoers, the weilders and wellwishers all know one thing I don't and another I do (the rule I urge to break)--"not to drown oneself in darkness in search of impossible light."
That other thing I may never come to learn.
The light may seem impossible but oh how tempting the darkness is.... and whatever glimmer which might show itself must hold glory unknown to me now. I mean to say: don't you miss the grey matter of the world?
(The naysayers and the greedslingers for which and around day-time.)

5/19/25

Excerpt from my journal:
What is this tiny voice beneath my throat, what is the color I'm always lacking, my enervation & exaltation,
oh winglip laughing watersigh and bird silence,
my eyelids are theater curtains so end this play & release, release the memories; tile cool like milk, pen held like a cigarette--
end end end the ending's longlife.

4/2/24

Contemplations While Eating Soup and Listening To Callas

Soup bowl; a lot to see in my soup bowl. i see carrots, japanese sweet potatoes, onions, ham, celery, herbs, creamy broth. 67 years ago maria callas was singing gluck, this was after she lost the weight. It's amazing that humans are just the same as we were 100 years ago—our laughs, our eyes, our desires, our love, our hatred—oh yea, it's the same, but the context from which it comes is so different. No one sings quite like Callas anymore, but we all gain & lose weight, and we all become criticized for it whether the criticism comes from others or ourselves or both. Eating my soup, my nausea lifts a little, but I still feel hot. To think that men like Harold Lloyd still exist today is outlandish at first, but then you imagine it—Lloyd, wearing a black tee and some kind of loose sports-slacks, never a hat on his head but rather a big headset planted in its place—streams himself playing games on Twitch. Maybe our Lloyd or Keaton is Jerma. Actually, I see it, don't you? It's funny to think about that. I knew it anyway, we never change, we chase our tails through the centuries. Can you believe CGI was invented 50 years after Sherlock Jr. was released? That's not even one century, only half! In half of a century humanity invented little 3D looking pictures for our screens that today invade our lives in the form of Disney movies and sleazy children's Youtube channels looking to make a few bucks, or a million. BABY SHARK! run away, I certainly will. 20 years after maria callas was singing gluck, CGI was pooped out of the womb of some computer techies. 50 some years later, here I am eating some soup my mom made for me, typing some random bullshit on my PC. What the hell will I be doing 50 years from now, given I'm still alive? If some time traveler appeared in my bedroom right now and offered to let me know, I'd pass—who needs that kind of stress? I'll stick to this soup, but thanks man. Have a good Time !

Thoughts